ASHES TO ASHES

Pictured here you can see the city center's main feature, a HUGE statue of Jose Artigas, who is so famous that every other street, square, and company is named after this man I had never even heard of. So who was this guy?

Artigas had been a soldier of the colonial guard, which protected the western Uruguayan borders from occasional Indian or Portuguese attacks. He became famous when he became Uruguay's benevolent dictator, believing that government should include not only the fancy-pants people but also the lower classes and Indians. One can only imagine how the people in power loved these innovations—not!—and when the Portuguese invaded Uruguay around 1820, Artigas was forced into exile in Paraguay for the last thirty years of his life.

I missed how he actually died (I think it was an anticlimactic death by old age) or how his ashes came to be housed right smackdab in the middle of Montevideo, but there he is in the urn in an underground mausoleum that's guarded 24 hours a day. Guarding this guy must be the most boring job in the world, because
(a) he's not going anywhere;
(b) I don't think anybody wants to steal him; and
(c) one of the two guards we saw was actually falling asleep standing up. It's cruel I know, but it was HILARIOUS watching him bob and snap, as he waged his own battle on behalf of the leader Artigas.

Just for the record, I too want to be reduced to ashes someday, and yes, I get that I will be whether or not I choose. But I really don't want to be buried; I have instructed my family to cremate me—and definitely don't keep my ashes on the mantelplace next to the lost TV remote.

Why cremation over a coffin? First, I think most cremations are great (a notable exception is General Artigas, whose remains and tomb take up an entire town square) because why should dead people take up a lot of space; second, I like the idea of going in one big conflagration instead of slowly rotting (I especially hate the idea of worm and maggot infestation); and third, I want my ashes poured out somewhere nice—or maybe many somewheres nice, like at a little vineyard in France or in your garden or a little bit in a library somewhere. Doesn't that sound nice?